Tales of Woe Redux
by FlippedoutKyrii
Summary: I finished looking through the "Tale of Woe" plot. Wasn't the best. So heres my version. Read if you like a mixture of dry and dark humor with a couple dashes of zombies and epileptic seizure battles. R&R please.
1. A slow start

Gilly sat at the end of her comfy bed, her book was quite an interesting read.

"GILLY!!" Cried her mother's voice. Gilly paid little attention at first.

"GILLY!!" She cried again. The girl leaped out of her bed and pried open the door. She waddled to the staircase.

"Yes Mom?" Gilly asked, clutching the rail.

"Your father wandered off AGAIN!!" the mother cried. Gilly sighed. Her father was quite the drunk. Many times he would just wander off and Gilly and her mother will have to look for him. Sometimes he won't go far. One time he went as far as Meridal and was labeled the Village fool… But that's another story…

Gilly went down the stairs and grabbed her coat.

"Aren't you coming?" Gilly asked. Her mother was lounging in the soft chair near the fireplace. Her mother's hand was carefully bandaged after a game of Wii Sports went awry.

"Ugh… no." Gilly's mother responded. "My hand is still a bit weak after it hit the bookshelf. Besides, he's probably not far. He was here a few minutes ago. You can go yourself!"

"Alone!?" Gilly cried. "But… but the haunted woods are full of ghosts, werewolves and pedophiles!"

"Oh don't be ridiculous Gilly!" Her mother assured her. "Pedophiles are nothing but a silly legend!"

Gilly felt like arguing, but she had a feeling it wasn't going to end anytime soon. Gilly shrugged and went for the old lantern before heading for the door. Outside, she flipped up her hood.

"This better not take long." Gilly told herself before heading down the dark path.

…

…

Yeah I know, it's short. Su me. But more will follow. And this won't be as stupid as "Where's My Coke", AND will hopefully be updated more often.

CIAO!!


	2. It's story time

Gilly strived briskly down the path, the lantern swinging at every step. Her father shouldn't be too far. But as she walked and thought of different places that he would most likely be, she failed to notice how the smooth path turned to a dark, bumpy and menacing tangle of dead leaves and rotten and twisted trees. She suddenly realized she was lost. She swung the lantern from side to side, trying to find the familiar path. Panicked she fumbled her way through the vines until she noticed a light not to far off. As she got closer, it turned into a campfire. Gilly found herself in a small settlement. A Large bonfire sat in the middle of this encampment with drunken Neopian's dancing and singing incoherently in their own stupor. The more stable or alcohol free were scattered about. An unusual Elephant with a stupid hat sat near a small crackling fire. Gilly went up to him.

"Excuse me sir." She said. The man turned to her.

"Why, come here child. Have a seat. You look cold." Spoke the Elephant.

"Um… thanks but no thanks, I'm sort of in a hurry. I'm looking for my drunken father. You may have seen him. He's an Usul… six feet tall… 350 pounds… drunk… smells like the Budweiser Brewery after the horses got loose and drowned in the vats…" Gilly stuttered.

"It's dangerous out here. Many ghouls and creatures roam and can devour the unwary." Said the man, apparently paying no attention to Gilly's problem.

"Yeah I'm sort of aware of that, that's why they call it the haunted woods. Look, have you seen my dad or not?"

"It's no accident that so many legends and myths surround this place." The man went on, ignoring Gilly. "Infact, I was just reading about one just now, would you like to hear it?"

"No!" Gilly spat rather rudely. "I'm in a hurry. House comes on in like, ten minutes. I just want find my father quick and get home. If you're not going to help, then I'm going to ask someone else." Gilly got up and started to scan the crowds for a likely and helpful Neopian that wasn't about to throw up.

"If you listen to this story, then I'll tell you where your father is, I seen a Usul that fits your description." The man said. The proposition was odd. Gilly decided to listen to the story the stranger was about to tell. All she wanted was to find her father.

"Fine." She pouted. Gilly sat herself down on a nearby log. "Go ahead. Just don't make it unnecessarily long." But she already knew that she'll have to catch House on Youtube.

…

…

If you must know, I'm going to break it down into segments like the actual plot. So a few may be incredibly short while another may be incredibly long.


	3. Many Many Years Ago

"Many, many, many years ago, last Tuesday, there was a small village Called Neovia. It lay just on the edge of the haunted woods. There was a family. Edmund and Alice, and of course their three children."

"Woah!" Gilly Interrupted. "All three of them were adopted?"

"What makes you say that?"

"Well you're reading it out of a picture book, and none of the kids appear to be like their parents!"

"Oh, that. Oh Alice was previously a prostitute who soon changed her ways after she met Edmund."

"… Ew."

"Of course, like any other family. They had their share of problems."

"Well of course they had problems! Their mother was a total whore!"

"Shut up you little punk. Anyway, their eldest son Bruno, who was painfully shy, had his eyes one this one smoking hot Aisha that lived nearby.

…

The Blue Gelert sucked up his courage and went over to the girl.

"Hi Lily." He muttered.

"Oh, hello."

"HEY WHAT DO YOU THINK UR DOIN!!?" Yelled Oscar, The over protective ass hat. He shook his fist in Bruno's face.

"Oscar? Where did you come from!?" Lily piped up, Distraught over how Oscar appeared out of nowhere. "I though you were at your mothers?"

"She ran out of Playgirls. They keep disappearing for some reason. Anyway, this'll teach this lil twerp not to mess with my girl!"

Oscar punched Bruno in the snout for little reason, sending him flying into the wall.

"OSCAR WHAT THE HELL!!?" Screamed Lily. "YOU'VE GOTTA STOP PUNCHING PEOPLE!!"

"Oh you know I can't."

It was rather unfortunate for Bruno. He had neither the charm nor the strength to win Lily's Affection. Bruno felt awkward and lonely all the time, he felt like he would always be this way. Until on his way home, a dark Figure approached Bruno from an alley.

"You look troubled my boy, perhaps I could be of assistance." The strange Krawk spoke. "I have here Elixir, Proven to chase away all the sorrows and grant you're your best desires. Whatever you want in life, it will be granted. All I ask is for a few bucks-"

"A few bucks? For something like that?" Bruno asked, intrigued but very suspicious. "Will it perhaps have any side affects?"

"Look at me my boy!" The Krawk cried. "I've taken just one sip! And I'm now a successful businessman!"

"If you're so successful, then why do you wear that ugly suit? You look like a cheap date who borrowed a hobo's clothes."

"… But I have a top hat!"

"Yes, I sort of saw that right off the bat. You know what? I'll try it." The Krawk Passed Bruno the bottle, who gave over a few dollars. The Krawk then threw a strange grenade shaped object to the ground. Nothing happened.

"DAMMIT!!" Swore the Krawk. He ran down the street rather quickly, leaving behind a perplexed Bruno.

Bruno brought the strange bottle home with him, and later that night, He drank every last drop of the potion.

The next Morning, Bruno awoke to find that the potion lived up to what the strange man claimed the potion could do. Bruno was now a handsome, strong and Confident Gelert he had dreamed of being, and this change did not go by unnoticed.

"HOLY HELL!!" His father cried, surprised. "Bruno! … What… Jesus Monkey's on Roller skates what did you do!? … Did…. Did you… did you take those pills in the red capsule in the bathroom that I only take once your mother wants a back rub from me… Are you getting my drift?"

"Ummm… No… I… I took a potion."

"Oh, Liquid steroids. Okay… Man I was scared for a second… I nearly peed myself there."

Bruno's father had more things to worry about then his son's sudden Physique boost. The family business was cliché'ly failing. With their finances running low, business seemed to be getting worse by the day. Preoccupied with stressful work, Edmund conveniently walked by the same alley where the Krawk apparently lived.

"You look preoccupied dear sir, perhaps I could be of assistance." The Krawk offered, taking out a bottle of the same potion.

"Hmmm…" Edmund thought. "A strange and dangerous looking potion from a complete stranger. Well this is a cartoon, what's the worst that could happen?"

Over the next few days, the family business strived with success. His Financial worries disappeared like Mary Kate after she decided to stop eating.

"WOW!!" Exclaimed the Lenny Enviously. "Who knew that Property values would rise four hundred PERCENT!!?"

"Yeah and I never knew that we would strike oil in the basement!" Edmund said as he shook the Lenny's hand.

"Yeah… Also Edmund, you have to cleanup that mess." Edmund suddenly frowned.

Bruno was on his way to school. When that Oscar jerk ran up to him.

"Damn Bruno! How the hell did you get all gruff and sexy like David Hasselholff?"

"The Elixir potion! A Hobo sold it to me in an alley down the street!"

"If he sells a potion that can make you all gruff and sexy, then why does he live on the street?"

"I don't know, but the potion can do more than just turn people into gruff and sexy beasts, it could do anything you wish… which also raises questions as to why he still lives on the street and wears ugly clothes… You know Oscar, this has been the longest time you haven't punched my when I was in sight-"

"I AM ANGRY AT YOU FOR REASONS I CANNOT EXPLAIN!! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!" Oscar Punched Bruno in the mouth. "Can the potion cure sudden angry impulses? I want to go out with my girlfriend without slamming her head into a wall every two minutes!"

Word soon spread about the wonders the potion has done for the family. Edmund and Bruno were its principal advocates, eager to tell their story to anyone who asked. Except for Oscar, because he was just as bad as Mike Tyson. Soon the entire town was clamoring for their magical Elixir's. Although, there were only a few who did not long for more in this world. Only the innocent, those with not a care in the world, did not wish to take the drink. And there were precious few of them. The rest of the townsfolk greedily drank the Elixir's, believing that their problems would be fulfilled overnight. At first, it seemed like those dreams have come true… (OMG Foreshadowing)

…

Sorry for the delay :P


	4. Hell broke loose

"But as the days passed, the potions began to reveal the darker side of their ambitions. Edmund grew Miserly with his newfound potion and turned into a Mr. Crabs except with the aggression of a smoker that ran out of cigarettes."

…

Bruno Walked into the room and picked a quarter off the table.

"Hey dad, can I borrow a quarter? I need to go to the store for Slim-"

Edmund stabbed His son violently in the hand with a fork.

"GAAAAAAH!! WHAT'S YOUR F---ING PROBLEM!!?"

"YOU'RE THE PROBLEM!! NOW GET OUT!!"

…

"Bruno's strength continued to grow until He was no longer a handsome Gelert, but a… a… You know, I can't think of a good analogy taking jabs at popular culture here, he sort of look's like the Incredible Hulk after he came home from a tour with 'The Blue Men' Group… wait…

Reginald soon found that he had acquired such a vast intellect that Nobody could figure out what the hell he was saying without looking through a dictionary every four seconds during a morning conversation about the weather.

Their fellow townsfolk were undergoing a similar change. Their greed and cliché' ambitions have taken on twisted and disgusting forms. The ecstatic delight that had settled over Neovia soon vanished as quickly as it had come.

At first, they had clamored for the strangers head. But he had vanished almost in thin air and was nowhere to be found. Desperate to pin the blame on some poor chap, they turned against Edmund and his family for bringing hell to their peaceful town, Even though it was their fault, Stupid greedy little pecker heads they are.

The family found themselves subjected to scorn and hatred. Even those they had formerly called friends were now their attackers. Stricken with the grief of Betrayal (Seriously, what?), they retreated into their home to escape the crowds wrath. Seeing that their little sister appeared to be the only one who had escaped the madness that had taken over the town, Bruno asked Reginald to take her into the haunted wood where she could hide somewhere safe until the danger had passed. An argument arose between the two, since Reginald was scrawny and Bruno was enormous and could make Beowulf his B---h, and there was the fact that the haunted woods was crawling with monsters and ghouls and there was the very prominent aspect of the disaster, since it wasn't going to end anytime soon. But there was no time to argue so they went along with the plan that needed a little patchwork. Bruno created a Distraction by swinging his arms around like a retard while Reginald slipped out the back in full view towards the haunted woods. The Crowd was too angry at the color blue to notice.

…

"The two young Neopet's wandered aimlessly into the mazelike woods, hostile to even longtime residents. At every turn, tree branches reached for them and bewildering their senses. Trapping them in a labyrinth of twists and turns.

"CAN YOU EXPLAIN TO ME WHAT THE HELL THAT WAS ALL ABOUT!!?" Screeched the Unnamed green Ixi. "And why are we going into the woods? Isn't that worse then a mob of mutants?"

"What do you mean?" Reginald Asked.

"Well, the forest is crawling with monsters and Pedophiles- are just a"

"Don't be silly, sister. Pedophiles are-"

A large green figure stood ahead of them.

"… I think this was a really bad Idea. Sister, why didn't you tell me!?"

"Hey Shut up!"

…

"The figure was the mysterious earth Fairy Ilere, A figure of folklore, told by children of the wood to scare each other and scare the crap out of Tourist's to visit the gun store and gift shop, Appeared before them. Yet unlike many legends, she was not the terrifying phantom the children of the wood had imagined."

"_There is no other refuge for her_." Ilere spoke.

"Uhmmmm…." The unnamed Ixi spoke. "Can't… can't you just show us to the nearest road or… something. I mean I can sleep in a motel or a bus stop until this all blows over."

"_There is no other Refuge_." The Fairy spoke again. "_Come with me_."

"I don't want to go with you! Can't you just drop me off at the police station!?" The unnamed Ixi argued.

"Her logic is sound, Ilere." Reginald said, backing up his unnamed sister.

"_I will bring her to the police station. They will take care of you there_."

"Okay fine. Reginald, please take care of mom. I think dad was planning on killing us before we left. I'll try and get the police out here!"

"Take care, I love you S-"

"_We must go now_." Interupted Ilere. "_It is a very long walk and we aren't taking any pit stops. If you must go, use this Wine Bottle._"

…

Reginald Watched Unhappily as his little sister walked off hand in hand with Ilere, before turning his steps back to Neovia to help his family.


	5. Blue

"Meanwhile, back in Neovia, the townsfolk's anger has reached the breaking point. They attempted to get past Bruno, but his color enraged them. But for some reason kept them at bay. At this point, you would figure that the townsfolk would be pissed off enough to do anything, but still, the narrator thought it would be helpful to describe the mobs wrath in every panel, but we'll get along with it like I get along with exams and suppress my urge to kick my math teacher in the… sorry I didn't know where I was going with that."

An angry angry villager thrashed a nearby blue Bori About the head.

"OW!! WHAT THE CRAP TOM!!?"

"YOUR COLOR ANGERS ME!! A Random event told me to hate the color blue today!"

"Oh it did not! If there was a random event, it would tell us so!"

-SOMETHING HAS HAPPENED!!-

-A sudden brain impulse has ordered you to hate everything blue!-

…

"Oh."

-SOMETHING HAS HAPPENED!!-

-The pant devil appears and steals your pants! And also talks dirty about your sister!-

…

"Dammit, I just got these pants!"

"Reginald returns to Neovia just in time to witness his older brother Bruno chased off by a group of angry angry hippos… Villagers… Hey a few of them do look like hippos! But all he could do was watch as they disappeared into the dark forest.

"GET HIM!!"

"IT'S ALL HIS FAULT!!"

"HEY THERE'S A BLUE LEXUS!! DESTROY IT!!"

"Hey! I wished for that!"

"Reginald waited until the mob disappeared and then made his way back to the house. Quickly, he urged his family to follow him to safety.

"DAD!! QUICK!! FOLLOW ME… what are you doing with that knife?" Edmund held a large bowie knife behind his back, just pulling away from peering at his wife.

"Oh… well… I just… I was just cleaning it."

"BULLCRAP DAD!! IF THE CROWD DOESN'T KILL US, THEN YOU WILL WITH YOUR STUPID MONEY OBESSION!! YOU'RE WORSE THAN MR. CRABS!!"

"Hey hey hey! I'm not obsessed! A random event told me to care more about money!

…

And to stab Alice!"

"Never mind! Just come with me! And drop that knife!"

"Reginald hurried his parents across town to an abandoned mansion. As a child, Reginald used to play hide-and-seek in the ruins, finding multiple secret rooms and passages. After losing Bruno in the woods, the townsfolk returned to search for the rest of the family.

"Reginald get away from the windows!" Alice urged her son. "They'll see your dangerous good looks and try to steal it!"

"Mother, they can't see me. And the only one with dangerously good looks is David Hasselholff… and I'm not gay, he's just really good looking."

"HEY THERE'S ONE OF THE FREAKS NOW!!" Cried a Villager outside. "GET EM!!"

"HEY THERE'S DANNY'S LEXUS!! LET'S SET IT ON FIRE!!"

"HEY I DON'T GO AROUND BURNING YOUR CRAP!!" Reginald sighed in relief.

"Unable to discover the whereabouts of Edmund and his family. The Neopian's turned against one another."

"Danny this is all your fault! If it wasn't for your Lexus, we would have killed those Pecker heads!"

"Hey you BURNED me Lexus! Just yesterday you were jealous of it! And since you gone and destroyed something of mine, I destroy something of YOURS!!" Danny hurled a Molotov cocktail at a nearby house, but the bottle merely bounced off the window and landed harmlessly on the pathway without shattering. "WELL I HAD INTENTIONS OF DESTROYING SOMETHING OF YOURS!!" The Acara jumped at Danny, thrashing at his face. Two men stood at the sidelines.

"Man look at those guys fight. If only I didn't wish to quell my severe anger issues."

"Shut-up Oscar! This whole scene just turns me on! And I can't get in my zone with your constant common sense!" Yelped the strange fellow.

…

"Pardon me? These people are fighting to the death! And this is erotic for you!?"

"Well yeah! Ever since I wished to come out of the closet, I have never once been afraid to express my homosexual feelings!"

"Umm… good for you… but this is not the best time to express…"

"Also, I've been stealing your mother's playboys for the last few months! I was going to tell you that when we were really really old because you would probably forget about it. But now I'm proud to express myself infront of you because your anger impulse has disappeared!" The fellow smiled in glee.

"Dude, really?"

"YEP!! You can have them back if you want!"

"Actually, you can keep them. I would totally punch you into the ground if I wasn't as nice as Mother Teresa."

"THANKFULLY I'M NOT!!" The fellow struck Oscar in the face. But then recoiled due to a broken nail.

"As the town teetered on the brink of rioting, the Mayor put his Pie aside and stepped in to stop the madness."

"STOP!!" He yelped.

"OH MY GOODNESS!!"

"The mayor put down his pie!"

"I broke a nail!"

"He never puts down his pie!"

"I feel bad for breaking you nail."

"Citizens of Neovia! We must remain calm! The time for blame has passed! There will be a time for Retribution and ass kicking later! For now! We must work together if we are to solve this!"

"But… what should we do?"

"That… is the million dollar question."

"Oh! How about a satanic Séance!?"

"You know Danny that actually isn't such a bad idea."

"Desperate for guidance and plastic surgeons, the townsfolk gathered together and prepared for the séance. They all sat around the bonfire and hummed."

"Dammit Danny this isn't working! We've been humming for twenty minutes and we've sacrificed five virgin goats! I'm starting to think this whole idea was stupid!"

A large Figure appeared in the midst of the bonfire, immediately extinguishing the flames and leaving a cloud of smoke.

"YAY IT WORKED!! I told you this was a good idea Danny!" The figure sighed deeply.

"THIS HAD BETTER BE PRETTY FREAKIN IMPORTANT!!" Roared the figure in anger. "WHAT DO YOU WANT!?"

"Please, Spirit of slumber-"

"Just call me Ben."

"Okay then… Ben… Please, we have gathered here for you to lift this curse off all of us!"

"… Oh you gotta… DO EVEN KNOW WHAT I JUST LEFT BEHIND!!? I have eight drunken models back home! If I don't get back soon! They are either gonna leave or they'll start making out and completely forget about me! I may have died seven hundred years ago, but I still know when I just made a horrible mistake coming down here! Okay, this won't take long, but if the models leave, there will be a terrible price for ya'll to pay!" The Figure conjured up a spell in a puff of green smoke. The curse was immediately lifted and the townsfolk returned to normal. The people cheered in delight. But then a ring tone burst out of Ben's pocket. "Okay everyone SHUTUP!! I gotta get this call!" Ben pulled out the phone and opened the flap. "Hello? Tommy? TOMMY WHAT THE HELL!!? What do you mean they… DAMMIT TOMMY!! I TOLD YOU TO KEEP THEM OCCUPIED!!" The voice on the other line yelled, but was unrecognizable. "DAMMIT TOMMY!!" Ben smashed his phone against the cobble stone road in anger. He glared angrily at the townsfolk. The mayor stumbled, but grabbed the pie.

"I don't suppose a good, delicious, moist and tasty pie would cheer you up?" He held up the pie. Ben swiped it out of his hands.

…

"But, it did indeed come with a terrible price…. THE END!!" The strange Elephant said, smiling. Gilly awed at the man.

"Dude, that was the longest campfire story I've ever heard! And I don't believe a word of it!

"Well…"

"And it just ends like that!? No explanation!? No Predictions? No… anything?" The man shook his head. "It doesn't matter, can you tell me where my father is?"

"Huh?"

"You… you said after you told me a story, you'll tell me where my father is."

"Ooooohhh…. yeah… Uhmmm…. I was so deep into the story I forgot…"

"Crap! Thanks a lot numb nuts!"

"Anytime! Would you like to hear the credits?"

"No! That was a crappy story! It ends mid scene! What kind of story ends mid scene-"

…

…


	6. Lost

"Well this is just great!" Gilly said to herself. "Not only did I just waste my time listening to a retarded story, and my dad is still missing, and my mom is probably having a heart attack or something. But then again, she doesn't even know who I am half the time when she's playing the Wii… but her wrist is broken so I suppose she's reconnecting with life. On top of that, I'M LOST!!" Gilly yelped. Her echo sailed through the trees. But then she noticed something. A wall.

"A wall? That usually isn't a good sign to people in big cities, which means they have to find a way around it. But in the country, it means I've finally reached civilization. HORAY!! … Now how do I get around this thing?" Gill walked along the wall until she found an entry way. In front of her was a … town. But there was not a single sign of life.

"Woah, You know, I've been around for a few years, but I have never heard of anyone ever talking about any abandoned town. Except for that weird elephant guy. No! It can't be Neovia! If this was Neovia, there would be a bonfire pit in the centre of town!" A bonfire sat directly infront of her. "Okay, so it has a bonfire pit, but Neovia had a mansion on top of a hill." A mansion sat on top of a hill in the distance. "Okay, so it has a mansion on top of a hill. But that guy mentioned a burnt out blue Lexus. And… I see no burnt out car wreck anywhere! I'm getting out of here." As Gilly turned, her eyes me the burnt out Wreck of a Lexus. "Woah… but this doesn't mean anything! There's bound to be a mansion on top of a hill and a burnt out Lexus and a bonfire pit in the next town and the other as well. There's no way this can be Neovia. There's no way!" Gilly turned to a sign next to the Lexus, that read 'Welcome to Neovia'. "Woah… So that insane Elephant guy was talking some sense! But… where are the Villages. Maybe Ben killed them all. Well, where ever they went, I should investigate this ruined Village with all my attention. Nothing will be over turned, and nothing will ever distract me from my investigation, NOTHING!!

…

Ooo a locket!" Gilly bent down to retrieve a small battered Locket.

…

INTERMISSION!!

I was on Hiatus for awhile because I was trying to fix my scanner (It's still broken), and I was catching up on my life. Like reading, drawing, playing my vast collection of half-life 1 and 2 map packs to kill time. Watching movies and going outside! Just wanted to let you know that I wouldn't abandon this, if I was, I would say so. No back to our regular programming.

...

Gilly Emerged from the forest, miraculously escaping her five page adventure that surely would have had you on the edge of your seats! She even battled a Pedobear and killed him with her own thumb! But of course, you were too busy reading that stupid hiatus explanation above. You idiots. Anyway, she strolled up to a nearby trinket Vendor with the Locket in hand.

"Excuse me sir, I was wondering if you could tell me anything about this locket I found in the forest." Gilly asked the Techo.

"Hey, just because I sell crap trinkets for a living, doesn't mean I know everything about Lockets as well."

"So will you examine it?"

"Well, I guess it could kill time, hand it over." Gilly handed it over. "Damn, I must admit, this locket is actually better then everything I sell here. And this is pretty banged up.

"I would suppose this is a stupid question, but do you perhaps know anything about its previous owner?" The Techo was silent.

"That is a stupid question! Even if I was a hybrid of the Brain tree and Chris Freakin Angel I wouldn't have the slightest clue!" The Techo handed her the Locket. "But while you're here, do you want to buy this incredibly overpriced Plushie with a charm pinned on its back?"

"No."

"Yeah, I know, it sucks."

...

Gilly was unsure of where to turn next, her father was still missing…

"DAMN IT!!" Gilly yelped. She really should have asked that weird vendor guy if she saw her father. "It's this stupid locket! I don't even know why I'm even still holding onto this thing!" Gilly continued on her meaningless walk, until she stumbled upon a desolate shack in the middle of the forest. "Well, dad usually wine's up in peculiar places…" Gilly knocked on the door.

"PISS OFF VIRA!!" Roared a female voice from inside the cabin. "GIVE IT A DAMN REST!! GO AWAY BEFORE I SHOVE MY FOOT UP YOUR GOTH ASS!!" Gilly almost ran away, but pushed on.

"Excuse me, but I'm not… Vira…"

"Oh…" The voice seemed to understand. "PISS OFF!!"

"NO!! My dad has been missing for a few days! And I want to know if you have seen anyone that fits his description!" The voice sighed.

"Fine…"

"Okay, he's a Brown Usul… six feet tall… 350 pounds… smells like the Budweiser brewery after the horses got loose and drowned in the vats…" The sound of shuffling feet and creaking of floorboards was soon followed by the women swinging open the door.

"OKAY!!" The women yelled. "Whoever you are! What did the Goth pay you!?"

"What?"

"What ever she bribed you with, I'll double it!"

"Who?"

"Don't play stupid kid! I know that Wench put you up to this!"

"SHE DIDN'T!! AND I THOUGHT VIRA WAS JUST A MYTH!!"

"Well she tends to keep a low profile, and she hardly bathes, like me."

"Ew… well I guess that explains the smell!"

"Well, I was going to have my bath now but then you interrupted me…" The women noticed the locket. She swiped it out of Gilly's hand. "WHERE DID YOU GET THIS!!"

"Wha… in the town! I found it next to the burnt out Lexus!" The women stuffed the locket in her pocket.

"Look, kid, stay away from that place!"

"But why?"

"Kid… get lost!"

"I'm already lost!" The women slammed the door in Gilly's face. Gilly pouted. But then it started to rain. "Well, I guess it couldn't get any worse." She was answered by a small blow to the head, fist sized hail rained down along with the rain. Gilly screamed and darted for the trees, she zig zagged in and out of hail and the tangling vines and dead trees, before she reached a cave. "Well, my dad's lost, I'm lost, Mom's probably having a fit, I was just yelled at for… something… and I think I have a concussion…" Gilly studied the cave, before setting up her electric lamp. "At least I have my trust in this electric lamp." The electric lamp burnt out. "But I should probably stop trusting David Suzuki." A growl echoed behind her in the deep depths of the cave. "Oh… My…. Gawds…"

…

Sorry for the incredibly long wait.


	7. It thickens

Gilly began to run, although running _OUT _of the cave probably would have served her better. Her screaming was interrupted once she banged her shin on a table. She swore as she held her bruised shin. But on the table was a slab of steak so vile and rotten, even the maggots eating a nearby apple stayed clear of it. Gilly decided now was not the time to throw up, so she dived behind the only thing that would have hid her from the oversized Smurf, a mirror. Strange for multiple mirrors to be hidden in such a cave. Once behind it, the creature immediately forgot about the screaming and the presence of an intruder and gorged on the rotten slab of meat. Apparently realizing that was a bad idea, he staggered around looking for a place to blow chunks. He screamed once he saw his reflection in the mirror (This part really confused me as well). He turned on his heal and ran. Tripping over Gilly's foot and slamming to the ground in a heap. His face submerging in a rainwater puddle. The littler girl skipped out of her hiding spot and headed for the opening, leaving little pity and remorse for the monster that was now drowning in a puddle two inches deep.

Gilly skipped through the mud and the many twisting vines of the dark forest.

"RAAAAAAUGH!!" roared a deep menacing voice behind her. She turned. The monster she was running from was just a few yards behind.

"Well that was gosh darn fast." Gilly remarked. Running is not suitable for little girls. But yet Gilly apposed that piece of common sense and ran down the twisting path. Up ahead was the swamp witch's cabin. She knew that the swamp witch would never let a panting intruder into her house, especially if she just told her off and the intruder was being chased by an angry angry Smurf. But Gilly had to try. She dived for the glass window.

DING

The little girl bounced off the window like a speeding fly. The door swung open as soon as she hit the dirt. And out walked an angry angry swamp witch.

"WHAT THE CRAP!!" She howled in anger. "CAN'T I GET A MOMENT OF PEACE WITHOUT ONE DISTURBANCE OR THE OTHER!! And… I thought I told you to never ever come back here again-"The creature appeared, roaring and flaying his arms. Gilly yelped and ran for the side of the house to get the rake. But the swamp witch gazed at the creature in shock. His muscular physic, his stupid hairdo, his look from many years ago… whoops, gave it away…

"Brother…" The witch muttered. "Your… alive?"

…

…

OMG sorry for the wait. And OMG the plot thickens!


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